Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Scottish People Love #1 Deep Fried Food

It's true. Especially if it was originally a tasty chocolate based treat anyway. If you take something like, lets say, a Mars Bar (preferably Kingsize), which is already high up the Scottish list of coveted morsels, wrap it in a super-silky battered coating and bathe it in a deep-fat frier, then, the appeal factor is so high that Scots will literally flock towards the aura of the golden delicacy obeying an instinct hard-wired into the Scottish brain long before tartan was ever even dreamed of.

One deep fried Mars Bar can attract up to fifty Scots at a time and is said to be effective at a distance of up to thirty caber-toss lengths. The average Scot thinks about deep fried food every seven seconds with deep fried addicts, known as Friar Tucks, consuming multiple suppers every day and often entering a life of crime or office work in order to support their habits.

Of course deep frying works with just about anything. Early experiments with granite and hedgehogs produced mixed results. The native red squirrel proved a short-lived favourite until demand overtook supply. However, it was the unexpectedly tasty heather mixed with peat that proved a deep fried Scottish culinary phenomenon, an instant hit that was quickly rebranded with the term 'puddings'.Puddings include a simple colour based labelling system that is in no way racist. The classics are White and Black but variations exist including the rare Red and in some Highland towns the elusive Hunting Tartan, a heretical invention which can only be consumed safely by the expert pudding eaters found in many Highland communities.

Novices attempting a Hunting Tartan Supper have been know to break out in an all-over rash which has been compared to serious burn injuries but with a fine silver thread running through it.Haggis, although not strictly a pudding, is a deep-fry favourite. The real recipe for Haggis has been the source of much scurrilous rumour and mis-information. Some of the more far-fetched ingredients are claimed to be sheep-stomach and the jellied eyes of Griffin chicks but the actual recipe is subject to a Scottish national security order administered by Scotland's Master Puddingeers who convene regularly at the Scottish Parliament Building in Edinburgh.

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